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On Dating - And Other Things I Don't Do

While working on a women's magazine, the topic of dating is the one I'm asked about the most, bar none. I do not know why, exactly, but apparently my position here makes me authoritative on the topic, so I'm going to give the masses what they want. I wish to point out is specifically the fact that I am currently single and my idea of a fun Friday night is going home and playing my Nintendo or Sony consoles, of which I own more than one each of - so take my advice for what you think it's worth. The first thing we must face and accept is that men and women have differing priorities in what they want to find in a potential mate, which leads to compatibility issues. For quick reference, I'll break these down in a handy reference guide:

Women Would Like:

  1. Someone who is compassionate, considerate, kind, funny, thoughtful, and generally a reliable, good guy.
  2. Financial stability and responsibility. A good head for money and fiscal responsibility and integrity.
  3. A good roadmap to a better future. Someone with the right mix of ambition and consideration for others.

Men Would Like:

  1. Breasts.

So as you can see, there's some inherent hiccups as soon as we're out of the gate. You might think that these diametrically-skewed concepts would prohibit the sexes from ever pairing up under any circumstances. And they do - that's why we call them "opposite sexes". Geez, get with the program. But if you're the type to persist despite these inherent limitations, then be prepared for the challenges that come with them. The first step is accepting reality for what it is. By that I mean that I am really tired of hearing women complaining about how no one asks them out, then when I ask if they've asked anybody out, they scoff at me like I had just told them the sun rises in the north. Sorry, but I have precisely zero sympathy to your plight, ladies, since it's effectively the same thing as an unemployed person sitting at home and pouting on account that they aren't hired, but never once made an effort to put a resume out on the market.

If both sexes were doing everything they could to ask the other out, we'd more than double our chances at everyone dating. Going back to the job hunting metaphor, this isn't one, so that metaphor is meaningless. Wait, no! I mean - a singular date isn't like a job hunt because you don't have any incentive to take the first thing that comes along. If everyone was dating twice as much in the first place, then we wouldn't have need to settle for less. Eventually, we'd date to the point where we'd find that one special guy or gal we couldn't live without and that'd combo into the next logical consequence of dating - marriage. Right?

That's why I think a lot of guys have 'issues' with commitment. From the lady's perspective, it's a matter of: "Well, we went out, had a wonderful evening, everything went great. But if it seemed like everything went well, why he isn't calling me back?" This is not your fault at all, ladies, because in his mind, the guy's thinking: "Well, we went out and had a wonderful evening. That means chances for a second date must be high. But that'll lead to sequentially more dates! Or, yet, dating exclusively! But then that'll lead to a long, happy relationship culminating in marriage! This is too risky a prospect. Time to run for the hills." I'm also aware that some of you reading may be under the impression that this logic, too, could be the reason I've had similar ill-fated luck with dates in the past. My response to that is simply that there's no way women are stupid enough to use that train of logic.

Breaking some of these unwritten rules is merely the first step towards a better future. As soon as I think of some others beyond "women should ask men out too", I'll get back to you in order to further validate my point. However, I suppose it's only fair that I now address the second-most often asked about thing here on the magazine: Sex.

Ha ha! You guys seriously think I know anything about that? That's adorable. I'm going back to my Nintendo consoles now.

Written by: Jeff M.

"May the sun in his course visit no land more free, more happy, more lovely, than this our own country!"
~Mark Twain, "Old Times on the Mississippi" Atlantic Monthly, 1874
"We peer so suspiciously at each other that we cannot see that we Canadians are standing on the mountaintop of human wealth, freedom and privilege."
~Pierre Elliott Trudeau

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