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Journey through the Decade
Greetings one and all to a special article – and by “special” I mean it probably needs to wear a helmet to ensure avoiding any further neglect. The response from SSBBW Magazine proper concerning their tastes in truly awful movies was limited to a single person. Most of votes I got came from unrelated sources, so I’m going to do something a little different than I did in my bad song survey. Rather than list them all and hope you’ve seen enough of them to understand why these films of the past 10 years were really so bad, I’m going to narrow it down to a Bottom Ten List of truly the worst in cinematic schlock. Remember, the votes were based upon movies that the people voting had already seen and thus if a movie you think was awful is not on the list, well, see it before you knock it, I guess. Ready? Let’s begin.
#10 – Brüno. An unfunny, unoriginal idea from the unfunny and unoriginal star of “Borat” which was pretty much the same movie except replace “stereotypically gay” with “stereotypical depiction of Arabic”.
#9 – Under the Tuscan Sun. A boring, blasphemous and all-around idiotic piece of cinematic trash that’s sole use as a DVD is as a coaster.
#8 – Jennifer’s Body. Ironically the name of the movie is also the only reason anyone went to see this complete waste of time.
#7 – Napoleon Dynamite. Another unfunny comedy that middle schoolers found hilarious. Remember kids, conformity is good for you – as is being a completely unlikeable moron.
#6 – The Wicker Man remake. It wasn’t a total loss. It involved Nicholas Cage running around and punching people at random and climaxing with him yelling “No! Not the bees! They’re in my eyes!” made it so the film could be rebilled as a comedy and make twice as much at the box office.
#5 – Night at the Museum: Battle for the Smithsonian. Ridiculous, over-the-top, and an enormous let-down compared to the first. Probably won’t stop Hollywood from making it a trilogy anyways.
#4 – Babel. The plot, the character motivation, and general direction are all a complete mess. So much so even Pigpen would be offended.
#3 – Twilight & New Moon. The movies that teach us how women are completely worthless if they don’t have boyfriends and should be obsessive, clingy and emotionally stunted 2D caricatures because they aren’t “good” people like the beautiful, flawless vampire supermen. Thank you, Stephanie Meyer for setting back feminism over 1000 years. And don’t even get me started on the racist overtones.
#2 – The Resident Evil Trilogy. While this is, technically, three different movies, they got lumped together by everyone who voted for them, usually under the conditions that, “the second one was way better than the other two,” and, “the third one was the worst”. Because people unfamiliar with the games may have seen these movies I’m going to take a step back and explain why these movies were so universally reviled among gamers: Alice. She was never in the game, her entire character was stupid, her MO was stupid, her Matrix-leap-off-the-wall-kick-a-zombie-dog stunt was beyond stupid. The director of the movies, Paul W. S. Anderson, had the world’s most obvious infatuation with Alice’s actress, Milla Jovovich, indicated by the fact we see her character naked over 50 times between the three movies. So, she became a superhuman badass, the only other actual character from the game, Jill Valentine, became a nobody and even the nonsense plot of the games were eclipsed by how bad and ham-handed the movies were.
And the #1 worst cinematic waste of film reel belongs to:
J. J. Abrams’ opus: Cloverfield! Now, why was this movie ragged on so much? I’ll tell you. Imagine a Godzilla flick, but rather than even worrying about the monster we follow some unlikeable teenagers that we’re given all of five minutes to acclimate to, a camera that wobbles to the point where even people like your humble literature section editor who normally are quite resistant to motion sickness got it by watching this terrible thing, and the fact that everything the alleged-protagonists did was blatantly stupid. The “science”, or lack thereof, of the monster was laughable at best, particularly as the thing kept changing sizes. September 11-like feelings were emitting throughout the movie due to the use of scenery damage throughout the movie infuriated many people who voted in this survey, not to mention the movie failed in the key element: the monster. It looked like some little kid’s clay figure he made in art class, it’s not scary, it’s just ridiculous. I don’t know how someone fails to make a monster movie this badly, but Abrams found a way. The funny part of it all is that Abrams announced there would be a sequel. The hilarious part is that Abrams thinks people still take his writing seriously.
And there you go. The Top Ten Worst Movies of the Last Decade as voted by the people who could be bothered to vote for them. As always, I’m Jeff Mitchell, humble literature section editor that I am, signing off. See you next time.
Submitted by: Jeff Mitchell
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