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POETRY / FICTION

Reviews of books, articles, and poetry written by or about ssbbw/bbw


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2008 In Review

*Author’s Note – Please Read* The following is satire. I’m assuming people following the news can decipher fact from fiction and there is no offense intended in any of these jokes. Thank you.

Some days I like to put my head down on my keyboard and hope that these things will write themselves. It hasn’t worked in the past 21 years but if it starts to in 2009 I’ll keep you all posted because I could save the industry millions at the absolute least. The problem with “Year in Review” type articles is the news industry proper. Everything is bad news. Somebody died, or got murdered, or lost something valuable or my – oh, excuse me, I meant “your” – friends introducing you to someone with at least one count of attempted murder on her track record; but hey, your mileage may vary depending on the year, right?

So, what’s the point of this article, for those among you with Attention Deficit – oh, hey, a kitty. *Ahem*. The point is to look at the positives of 2008, where ever they may hide. This means no politics, no dying, no mudslinging nor taking potshots at anyone who happens to meander too close to my line of sight. Alright, so let’s begin at the logical starting point:

In January…

2008 got off to a hopping start by having some very important (massive sarcasm finger quotes are optional) committee got together and declared 2008 the year of the frog and the potato, thus slating 2008 for “dorkiest year since the advent of those little fake noses with the glasses attached to them”. On the bright side of things, it was also the year of sanitation, which sounds very important but was about 600-700 years too late for the last time something like this really would’ve been merited, but hey, this article is about the positives of the year. Early in the month, news records report a Boy Scout thwarted the attempts of an assassin to kill the president of Maldives, thus proving forever that the Boy Scouts are an excellent organization and that those “Assassin Thwarting” classes were worth every penny. A little later that month the MESSENGER probe got really close to Mercury – a feat any one can do, and with much less involving space and much more about purchasing a thermometer at Wal-Mart. Give it about five minutes, you’ll probably laugh. Probably.

In February…

More space-related things happened. Iran launched their first rocket into space after opening its first space center. The people were very happy, right up until they realized Russia beat them to the punch by 51 years. A few days later, the Space Shuttle Atlantis was launched to deliver the Columbus science laboratory to the International Space Station, which head scientists promised onlookers “sounds very impressive”. And after a very lengthy set of time spent as President of Cuba (Full title: President of Cuba if You Know What’s Good For You) Fidel Castro finally stepped down. Time marches right on, which punnily enough leads us to…

March…

In addition to sharing a name with a popular extracurricular activity, March had lots of good news too. It’s just a shame my sources all disagree with that statement. But it did eventually end, bringing us up to…

April…

In April, the last European country abandoned its feudalism system. No, that’s not a joke. The tiny, island country, Sark, after much pressure from the rest of Europe (Read: they threatened to not invite them over to their houses after soccer practice anymore), decided to hold its first elections… in December. Also, Kenya elects a new prime minister, ending political turmoil in the nation. That is good news too. Then…

In May…

NASA discovered what was then dubbed as Supernova remnant G1.9+0.3. They then reassured us all that that meant it was “Really big and really old and stuff”. Then, not to be out-done by the guys the next cubical over, NASA sent the Phoenix spacecraft to Mars’ polar ice caps. They did conclude, indeed, that ice is cold on Mars too, and then wiped their brows in a collective sigh of relief. Not too much else happened, but on a personal note, I turned 21 – which resulted in a slew of beautiful, older, sane women to line up for my autograph… no, wait, that was a dream. I then woke up and found it was already…

June…

I contributed my first piece to SSBBW Magazine, well before assuming the position of Literature Section Editor. For the rest of the world, however, the problem was nothing good happened in June either, so we collectively decided to skip it and move on.

In July…

Early in the month, my home land of America turned 232, which just goes to prove that being angry all the time does not mean premature death – at lest in regards to national politics. A few days later, the G8 Summit was held in Toyako, Hokkaido, Japan, a city in Japan often described as “Not in Tokyo”. Everyone agreed that, by the end of the summit, the G8 still hate each other as much as they always have and had the added benefit of getting nothing noteworthy done. Later, World Youth Day happened in Sydney, Australia. I’m not quite sure what that entails, but the Pope was there, so I assume it was important. More importantly, I was interviewed for SSBBW’s FA Views section. Regrettably, I’ve received no contact from anyone in the meantime. Not that that has injured my ego in anyway! Ha-ha-ha! Of course not. Nosiree. … *Sniffle* I am so alone…

In August…

Blah, blah, blah, new King of Tonga, President of Mauritania, etc, etc. Everyone wants to hear about Michael Phelps. The guy was the superstar of the Olympics, netting himself 8 gold medals and 7 world records in swimming events. However, much to everyone’s surprise, when the swimming events ended the Olympics did not. Largely due to China claiming their 11 year-old gymnasts were, in fact, over 16. Also surprisingly, when the Olympics ended, the month did not. But no one cared because by then everyone was looking forward to the science-filled month of…

September…

September had a lot of good news, but was largely remembered due to the completion and activation of the Large Hadron Collider, the world’s largest and most energetic particle accelerator. A lot of people thought that the LHC would cause the world to implode into a manmade black hole. Unfortunately, we were not so lucky as someone left Hadron’s lights on overnight and it soon broke.

In October…

Lots of stuff happened in October, or so I am told, however, my life was changed forever. It was such a weird day that I was expecting the oceans to be as blood and the sky raining fire and brimstone. My mother bought a video game… FOR HERSELF! This was revolutionary, as I saw my own maternal parental figure standing astride the Nintendo Wii’s Balance Board playing Wii Fit. My entire perception of the universe was turned inside-out, tossed out the window and finally sucked down the wormhole in the dryer that always eats odd numbers of socks per laundry load. Still reeling from shock I soon found myself…

In November…

NASA, still ever-busy as they had been throughout all of 2008, discover frozen water on Mars. This might sound redundant, due to going to a polar icecap on the red planet, but this is totally different as NASA concluded that THIS polar icecap is indeed made of solidified dihydrogen monoxide. When you figure out the joke, I’ll be here. Meanwhile, in Spain, one Claudia Castillo became the first person to get a tissue-engineered trachea. Tissue-engineering, by definition, means “what they do to Dolly Parton every six months”. And finally…

In December…

Sark finally has its first elections, more stuff happened in space, and dead people got nametags. Face it, who among us wasn’t too busy with gift shopping for the holidays to notice this stuff? Yet, finally, at the year’s conclusion, a leap second (that is not a joke) was added onto the 31st to make the Ball Drop all the more dramatic. Thus, 2008 came to a close.

And now, January 2009…

Welcome to the International Year of Natural Fibers! Yes, we’re off to another riveting start of breaking New Years Resolutions and homaging Dave Barry. I look forward to a long line of future writings for you all to enjoy here at SSBBW Magazine! See you all next time!

Written by: Jeff


Book Review - Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight [Author: Linda Bacon, PhD]

"I wrote Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight to support people – of all sizes – in appreciating and enjoying the bodies they have. I’m proud to see that it has become a beacon of support in the fat acceptance community. For too long, fat people have been maligned and told that the only way they can be “acceptable” and healthy is to lose weight. This book will arm you with the scientific evidence that shows otherwise and support you in celebrating and making choices that honor the amazing body you have. Health at Every Size is based on solid evidence, supported by hundreds of references to the scientific literature and my own research (government-funded and published in well-respected journals), as well as personal stories from many people making the transition from body hatred and food fear to an enjoyable relationship with food and their bodies. For more information, check out www.HAESbook.com." Linda Bacon, Phd

From the Back Cover...

Some surprising truths about weight....

MYTHREALITY
Fat kills.On average "overweight" people live longer than "normal" weight people (page 120)
Lose weight, live longer.No study has ever shown that weight loss prolongs life (page 135)
Anyone can lose weight if he or she tries.Biology dictates that most people regain the weight they lose, even if they continue their diet and exercise programs (page 164)

Fat isn't the problem. Dieting is the problem. A society that rejects anyone whose body shape or size doesn't match an impossible ideal is the problem. A medical establishment that equates "thin" with "healthy" is the problem. The solution?

Health at EVERY Size

Tune in to your body's expert guidance. Find the joy in movement. Eat what you want, when you want, choosing pleasurable foods that help you to feel good. You too can feel great in your body right now - and Health at Every Size will show you how.

Health at Every Size has been scientifically proven to boost health and self-esteem. The program was evaluation in a government-funded academic study, it's data published in well-respected scientific journals.

Health at Every Size is not a diet book. Read it and you will be convinced the best way to win the war against fat is to give up the fight.


"Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs."
~William Shakespeare
"Who, being loved, is poor?"
~Oscar Wilde

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