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Office Holiday Memo

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

  1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
  2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill).
  3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
  4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
  5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
  6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

You Know You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When...

  1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
  2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
  3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
  4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
  5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
  6. You strike a match and light your nose.
  7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
  8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
  9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
  10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
  11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
  12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
  13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
  14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
  15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
  16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
  17. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
  18. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
  19. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
  20. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

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