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SISTER BERTHA

SSBBW Magazine's resident advice columnist

Hey ya’ll, please allow me to introduce myself. I’m Sister Bertha Bigger Than You, and it’s mighty nice to meet all ya’ll. I’m from a small town in South Alabama , and am well known around the beauty parlor, my good friends Ben & Jerry, and of course Hooter’s for making my presence known, and passing along a little hometown advice whenever needed. The staff at SSBBW came by the other day and asked me if I wouldn’t mind sharing my words of wisdom with their readers. So please, by all means, if you have any questions Sugah’ you just send ‘em my way. I can be reached at sister_bertha@ssbbw-magazine.com. Rest assured I will answer each and every one of your letters, in my own genteel, old-fashioned way.


This months letters....


ROVING IN MEMPHIS

Dear Sister,

The other day, my boyfriend and I were walking down the street and a skimpy blonde shimmied by, closely observed by my boyfriend. A fuss erupted and now my boyfriend thinks I overreacted. What do you think?

Mad in Memphis

Dear Mad,

Unless you have Mr. Happy superglued to his inner thigh (which is illegal in Tennessee, and not in Alabama, by the way), I seriously doubt you overreacted. Even so, men are always goin’ to be men, and they will always look. As long as your boyfriend is with you and ONLY you, you have nothing to worry about. Yet and still, to be on the safe side, I’d move further south and stock up on superglue.


BBW WANNABE

Dear You,

I’m 5’7, 125 pounds, blonde hair and legs from here to Arkansas. I’ve always wanted to be a BBW, because they seem to get the best-looking men. What’s your secret?

Leggy and Longing

Dear Ing,

You poor THING! Where in the world do you find jeans to fit? The Tall and Starving Department? Listen Sugah’, I realize that it seems like there’s a method to our madness, a cure-all to your problem, a magical way to suddenly be the curvaceous, beautiful, fantastic and don’t forget modest people that make up BBW’s. In reality BBW is, has always been, and will forever more be a state of mind.

P.S. You aren’t from Memphis are you?


PICK ME UP?

Dear Sister Bertha,

You are really hot, and my kinda woman. Would you like to go out jookin’ some Saturday Night? Oh, and A/S/L?

Bubba In Bama

Dear Bubba Bam-Bam,

Let me check my schedule and see if I can fit in such and enticing opportunity as to jook with what appears to be an absolutely stellar jookin partner.

Oh, on further investigation, my Saturday nights are my weekly “Girls Night Out,” when after a long week of answering mail and working my homespun magic, I go down to Hooter’s with the girls where we gossip about menfolk and their passé pickup lines and laugh and point at the BBW-Wannabe-half- clothed-hoochies as they make pitiful attempts to flaunt what they obviously don’t have, bless their (also obviously) little hearts! So Sugah’ it appears that I will have to regretfully decline on what would have surely been a whing-ding of a good time. As for your second question, does this look like Yahoo to you?


CHATROOM CHARMER

Dear Sister,

I’ve been talking to this guy on the internet for about 2 years, and he says I’m witty, intelligent, beautiful, charming and irresistible. I don’t know what to think. What do you think?

Confused in the Chatroom

Dear Confused,

I think you sound a lot like me! He obviously has impeccable taste. Go with it, but just to be safe, don’t meet him in person without first making sure your pepper spray is on hand and your tazer is fully charged. That way if he turns out to be a serial killer you can make a quick and (mostly) painless get-away.


HATE MAIL

Dear Sister Whatever Your Name Is,

I saw you at Hoter’s Saterday nite and you make me sik. All day lawng we waitresus haf to put up with the men grabin at our bobs and then get you and your grils lafin, paintin, and makin fun of us. You suk.

Haddit at Hoters

Dear Haddit Hoochie,

Apparently we must have gone to a more upscale classier Hooter’s, as our waitress usually can’t even write. Such as it is, I cannot help it if you suffer with arrested development. As my dearly departed Me-Maw used to say, “I’ve seen more shape on a fried egg.” If you are so plagued by your bosom-envy that you feel this way, feel free to kiss my derriere. A friendly warning, bring a lunch, its an all day job.

Until next time……..

Love Ya Like A Sister!!
Bertha


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